May 29, 2022 - Thank you for reading Curious Elder!
Hey there! It's Sunday, and that means tomorrow is Memorial Day. I will be remembering the men and women who died protecting our freedoms.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, WHILE OUT SHOPPING, I watched a young man, probably in his early 20s, offer to help an older blind man navigate a busy parking lot. The man declined assistance, and the younger man went about his business. It warmed my heart to see this random act of kindness. I couldn't help but think this is not what one sees every day — maybe humanity hasn't completely lost its soul.
I fondly remember family gatherings. They were fun occasions that occurred several times a year. As a young boy, I enjoyed the company of older people. I would often be perched at the table for the after-dinner discussions that were ritual, often to the dismay of certain aunts and uncles. One of my favorite parts of the day was when the kids went off to play in the backyard or the basement, but I stayed with the grownups.
A similar theme occurred with my grandparents. They owned a large three-story rooming house in Detroit and rented space to older folks, city workers, people from their congregation, and others. Some of the guests also enjoyed meals in the dining room. Again, there I would be, my nosy self listening to the oldsters talk about the day's issues. I was fascinated!
As I got older, I maintained my respect for the older generation. And the consideration was mutual. We would visit each other's homes, enjoy a beer together, borrow tools from each other, and discuss the issues that worried the neighborhood. I learned a lot from my elders.
What has changed?
As I wrote a few weeks ago, my wife and I have a small group of young friends that we associate with, but I've also been snubbed many times by youngsters committed to ageist stereotypes. I've felt their contempt and rudeness. I've been summarily dismissed. The kindness shown to the blind man mentioned above seems a rare deed.
This generation gap became "a thing" in the 1950s with rock n' roll popularity. It gained a stronger foothold with the baby boomers in the '60s. But I think it started before that, even if it had no name. My grandparents didn't care for the way my Dad carried himself as a young man, my Dad didn't like my habits as a teenager, and I didn't appreciate a lot of the social quirks of my sons and now their sons.
This "gap" thing has existed for many generations, perhaps forever. And I think all parties are responsible for the misunderstanding.
We all need to relax
I have to admit that, in the past, I have been distracted when confronted by a person with a shaved head, neck and face tattoos, and multiple body piercings. But, in recent years, I've learned to be more accepting of these (mostly) young people.
After all, it's not a new landscape we're living on; it's a well-trodden one. As much as we'd like to control the ever-shifting sands of our lives, we can't. I've learned to surrender. I've acquiesced. I go with the flow. And, in so doing, I've discovered it's much easier on my constitution.
Surrendering isn't difficult; it means we relax into the shifting landscape. I've let go of having control or having things go my way, and I smile with friendliness at the world as it is, beautiful, changing, and unforgettable.
How determined are you?
Let's imagine for a moment that we all surrender? What would that look like?
How do we bring together the young and the old? We each have so much more to gain if we understand each other better. And, since we are the "elders," the wise ones, the ones with the most experience, shouldn't we take the lead?
When was the last time you asked a young person you don't know if she could help you do something? Maybe you're sitting in a coffee shop and have a problem connecting your laptop to the WIFI. Would you turn to the young lady seated next to you with green hair and large Plugs in her stretched ear lobes and ask her for help?
Your answer to that question may shed some light on your attitude toward young people.
Can we bring today's young people around to be more understanding of us? Can we show them social skills instead of telling them? Can we set an example of how a tolerant and moral society acts, rather than being detached and unresponsive?
I recently heard a story about an elder gentleman sitting next to a high school student on the bus. The student was reading a book. The older fellow asked the student some questions about how he was enjoying that author. He then asked him about the next steps in his education. A warm conversation developed with the young man; he was eager to share his educational plans and career dreams. This simple gesture instantly created goodwill between the two generations.
Janice Walton, in her newsletter, says there's nothing like engaging with meaningful people to expand who you are.
People, young and old, enjoy being of service to others--it's a trait we share as humans. It makes a person feel good when someone asks for their advice. Smiles, openness, and empathy lead to understanding and friendships. We simply must reach beyond the unfortunate stereotyping on both sides of the equation.
Building bridges
We live in a world full of messages that tell us we don't have value, we're invisible, just a speck of sand on the seashore. As elders, we have the experience and confidence to know that's not true, but young people may not have that advantage.
Research shows that it's worthwhile to build bridges with people of all ages to expand the worldview of young people and elders. It requires listening and an open mind on our part. The youngsters will keep you on your toes. They will stimulate your curiosity and teach you things about the changing world that you may not yet understand.
As elders, we have so much information stored within us. We need to let it out — to humbly share it with others. Sharing our experiences and wisdom while we continue to listen patiently are among the most rewarding things about getting older.
Feel like chatting about this topic?
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Young and old learn together (great article!)
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Such a good post and one worth thinking about.
My bridge-building is currently with my 3 and a half year old grandson and I often wonder in 10 years, whether he and I will converse with verve, the way we do now. I'm 70 now but maybe if he's 13 and I'm 80, the charm will have worn off for him...
I think all we can do as elders, is be open-minded, loving, to really listen to what youth have to say and to try very hard not to be patronising.